Is it a memoir? or one of my novels?

Okay so maybe I should start from the beginning. My name is Christiana Alvarado. I’m a NewYoRican. That is I am a New York born Puerto Rican. I’d lived in Brooklyn my whole life, until I joined the Army when I was 18. Only the reserves though so I was back in Brooklyn after training was over.

I was pretty lonely. Incredible feat since I lived in a city of 8.2 million people. By the time I was 22 I went insane with loneliness and took refuge online. I became addicted to online chats. Here I surrounded myself with people with like minds. Then I fell in with a group of writers. I began to flex my creative muscles and began to write and post things on line.

The attention I was getting was wonderful. I felt great because my blog was getting so much attention. I was writing a Novel about a Taino Indian princess that fell in love with one of the crew members of The Nina when Christopher Columbus landed in Puerto Rico. Only to find out it was a woman stowed away dressed as a man. (I should point out at this time that My audience was primarily of the homosexual persuasion. So a lot of my focus was at that time in Lesbian fiction.) But I digress…

By this time, I had begun to realize, that I would much rather talk to women. It was easy for me to flatter and essentially get into their virtual pants. (Did a lot of role playing too). It was with this realization that my soul began to ache. It felt heavy with in me, as it was torn with what I was beginning to accept as part of who I was. I was so sure then that I was damning myself to hell; I was so sure I was a lesbian, and it nearly killed me.

I suppose that I should also add that at this point, I was still a Virgin, and proud of it. But my body had not physically responded to anyone. I have never felt the need to have a boyfriend, or girlfriend. I was lonely yes, but the internet numbed my desire to go out and be with a physical being. In my mind, I was glad, because, that would mean I would go to hell; but at the same time my body’s own physiological production of hormones slammed me and shouted for a release. I was not enough anymore; I needed physical and emotional contact.

I became depressed, and often cried in my bed because of my loneliness. The only thing that seemed to help was that notebook and pen I seemed to carry every where. I would sit in classes at Brooklyn College and instead of writing out notes I would outline my novel. I would take out all of my frustrations on my Taino princess, and then plotted ways in which I could let her have what I wanted for myself.

I would find myself writing scorching sex scenes in such details that it bordered on erotica. I didn’t even understand myself the intensity of that which I was writing. At least not until one day as I read some of the other writer’s stories I heard, “you’ve got mail.”

As I knew just how fast my e-mail was inundated I went to check quickly. It was from a Tigress27 with the subject line—your story.

I was instantly put in a good mood. I am a feed back whore, and I couldn’t wait to read what anyone thought about it. It read:

I love your story, please update sooner I can hardly wait much longer.

I noted her Instant messenger service, so I plugged her into my buddies list to see if she was still on line. I saw her on and I smiled. I liked instant responses, so I sent her a message.

ChrissAy: I’m working as fast as I can. I do have school and a job you know?

She didn’t respond right away.

ChrissAy: Hello?

Tigress27: Sorry… I wasn’t expecting that. I never use IM.

ChrissAy: Sorry, I just get so excited when I find that someone is online and has read my work.

Tigress27: It’s okay… I really like your story.

I smiled, but there was something I really needed to know.

ChrissAy: How was the sex scene? Was it too much? Is it really like that?

Tigress27: Not for me… But the scene was great. It wasn’t too much.

ChrissAy: Really? I know I am supposed to write what I know… but I don’t know anything about sex.

ChrissAy: It’s really good?

Tigress27: You’re a Virgin?

ChrissAy: yes… but I didn’t want to come across as a virgin on the page.

Tigress27: You could have fooled me.

I was so proud of myself. I did a good job on that scene. A scene that only took for me to close my eyes and write what I felt and saw. Though now I think it lacked a certain something.

ChrissAy: Thanks.

Tigress27: Well I got to go, Nice talking to you.

ChrissAy: Yeah maybe I’ll see you again on-line

Tigress27: Sure, Bye…

Tigress27: Update soon.

And with that last word she was gone. It was so cool to talk with a fan. I never really thought I would actually get to talk to her again… I wouldn’t IM her again, because at this point… I felt as though I had totally annoyed her. Our Next few conversations, I did not initiate.

another Fact or fiction

I saw her for the first time as text in my screen.

"I love your writing," She texted enthralled by the romanticized ideals I presented. She told me she wished her relationships were like that. She said she knew that there had to be something more.

The ideals in my writing were not out of experience. It was all a fantasy in my head. I was young, lonely, and starved for the affection that she began to offer me. Her words gave me confidence that was never there before. I was beautiful... yet she had never yet laid eyes on me. She didn't seem to mind.

I was the cause of the demise of her relationship. I fed her the words she wanted to hear and what she had was no longer enough. She ushered me into her world. A world that I entered willingly, though not easily for it went against everything I believed. I allowed myself to drown her affection and I gave her my heart.

Soon her words were not enough. She lived thousands of miles away, though she felt so close. I needed, ached to touch her. My body tingled with just the thought of her lips on mine. "I love you," we typed to each other and my heart soared. I was loved, I was wanted something I never thought would come my way.

We planned a meeting, as she took a trip closer to my home, and I leapt at the chance to be with her just for one day. The first time I saw her standing in the platform of the train station, she smiled at me. she came to get me and we went off with her family. I felt welcomed. I was not yet confirmed as hers, but they called me her "friend" (quotes and all) and it warmed me as it did not matter what the color of my skin was.

I staid the night, and I could no longer contain it. "I want to kiss you," I said softly.

"Not here." she whispered to me

"I need you," I insisted.

"Well I want you, but I can't" She said softly, "not here, not now."

"I have never been kissed before."

She looked at me for a moment then stretched her hand out to me "Come here."

I came closer and laid with her in a twin bed. She held me and nuzzled my neck. "You're so beautiful" she whispered and kissed me there. She trailed kisses along my jawline until at last our lips met. I sighed into the kiss as I felt her soft lips against mine. My body seemed to liquify at this tender moment. She held me tighter as she licked my lower lip and I opened up to her.

We laid there together for an hour lost in a flurry of kisses. Instead of being abated my confusion began to torment me. I just knew I had to give it all up. My entire life had changed with just that kiss.

---

ok how was that? Let me know what you think... was this real? or just my imagination?

Character creation

Character creation

my new article in hub pages

I surrendered all

wrote this soon after I woke up. as I never wanted to forget this feeling. woke up and began to pray for God to give me strength and what I want. As soon as I prayed for him to take control of my life, I felt wrapped up in love, as if I had just been made love to till I was senseless. I felt like I was being loved and caressed and held, and I was happy so happy

and I laid there for thirty minutes just praising and thanking god for that feeling

Until then I hadn't realized how lonely I felt for someone to hold me and love me like that. have heard people say that they had been touched like that... not exactly like that but felt his presence... but I was like that will never happen to me because He is always with me... I have always believed and I don't know what it is like for him not to be with me.

Now Here I am...

I surrendered to you this morning. I prayed as I had prayed before for your help for me and for others. Only this time unselfishly. I thought about the people that I wanted to welcome you and be part of you. And then I surrendered and asked you to be the Master of my life.

Then you held me, and I felt love. I felt a love I had been numb to all of my life. You held me, caressed me and I felt as a bride the morning after her wedding night. I felt the presence of love so great that even though alone, I felt it physically like a blanket of warmth wrapped around me. I felt safe in your love and I was happy.

I pride myself in being able to control my emotions. The only emotion I ever left unbridled was happiness. Today it has over flowed. My cup runneth over because today the LORD truly is my shepherd and he will take care of me.

I'm baaaack.

How about this...

My husband is finally in the Navy, My kids are a whole year older, and finally we move across country to live as a family for the first time in like 12 months. Husband has been free for almost a year from us. He got used to it. We came out, and he totally withdrew.

three days after I get here he tells me... "I think it is best if he separate." Here after almost a year of separation what I was thinking was how I could be a better wife... he was thinking about how he could get out from under me.... ain't that just about a.....

Anyway, I know this is not even close to sounding like fiction... but it is in the category "never thought would happen."

I'll try to post more often... and will probably put more fantastic tales here though my life has normalized quite a bit... I'l find some stuff.

Fact or Fiction?

My husband has joined the Navy

something he said he would never do.

This wasn't easy, it wasn't. I don't think the Navy wanted him.

It started sometime in july... we had just found out we were having a second child and we didn't really know how we were going to survive my pregnancy, let alone life with two kids! So he went to visit a navy recruiter. We sat and talked to them and left there with a really good feeling about what we were doing; going into the military during a time of war.

He spent an entire day with them one thursday taking his entrance exam which he scored like 80... which meant he could pick whatever job he wanted. Took his Physical and was ready to see the qualifier, when they stopped him and said. "Stop you can't go through this until you write this statement. Because you have more than two dependents. (They were including our unborn child )

Okay... not too bad, that could have been an honest mistake... but then she said. "The Navy will get back to you in 45 days"

My husband's problem with that was that he had been with them just a week before... and so had I and they could have given him this form the day they gave him the application... so he wasn't too happy. He had litterally wasted two days with them to no avail, and the recruiter's parting words to him were. "You better decide, because we ain't gonna call you."

Indignant, he was ready to just give up on the idea, but instead he decided to go to a different recruiting station. As it should be, the recruiters at the new station were reather shocked and appalled by the treatment of a willig recruit and jumpt to attempt to help him.

Here is where it gets ridiculous. They request the paperwork he had filled out and submitted to the MEPS station. they refused to hand it over so he had to fill it out again. However public records like our marriage certificate, birth certificates and college transcripts; were also in that packet... and we all know how hard it is to request transctripts.

His high school refused to send another transcript to the Navy. that held his paperwork up for two weeks, until the the recruiter decided to just go and pull my husbands file himself.

When The recruiter got there, they found that They had lost his file, so they had to wait anyway. by now the threshold for him to leave immediately and be back before I gave birth was gone. he didn't sign anything til November, because he had to go back and do everything but the test and the physical over again.

I'm S.K. Allen, I am a writer of fictional novels. Most of my time is spent mothering my two children,Jyr (6), Mackenzie (4weeks) I live in the Washington D.C. Metro area.