Invisibility

Sometimes i feel invisible and i want to make it a point to disappear. What would happen if i didn't exist.  Its not like i am the dude from it's a wonderful life, nothing especially terrible would happen if i werent here.  People treat me like i don exist anyway, it doesnt change their life any.  Not my family of course. They needs me and love me and want me around... that is really cool.  And the only reason i may want to go away from them is because they drain me so with wanting to be around me.  My babies are awesome.

The people i am talking about are just people outside of my four walls.  I get excluded from things all the time.  If it isn't like a small group related activity in church, or some organized event, i am not thought of enough to be invited to a gno or birthday party. Not that this is important by any means but for once i would like to be included.  I dont do any inviting because if i did no one would come.  A baby shower? Trust me if i had done it myself, no one would have come, and then i feel like a moron because they came, and i feel like a stupid charity case. Dont need your stupid charity... just your friendship. So i dont exist and that sucks for me.  Coz everywhere i look the women i know have not only one person to turn to as i do and i love her for it, but a village to say i am so glad to be her friend, i will watch your kids, you can watch mine, what are you doing this weekend? Lets hang out. My cousin is like that and i always thought that was so cool.  I thought i wa gaining friends like that, i guess i am staying away from it now i dont want to be jealous or feel like a kid in effing high school anymore.  You know, that kid that everyone knows.  The nerd that no one wants to talk to or their infamy may stick to you or something.  I have always been like this.  The only thing that saved me in highschool is that i had my clique... high school is over.

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